My Fuckin' Life

After a year they decided to get married, He is about to go back to the Philippines for his wedding. I also saw some posts by his sister in law regarding their invitation and they already have a whole cow for their reception. I dont know if i want to tell them congrats and goodluck, but all i can say is i think im getting there to be fully moved on. The other 25% still hoping for you to come back…

Saktong isang taon na ang nakakaraan, bakit ba dumadapo ka pa din sa isip ko? Alam kong masaya ka na, kitang kita naman sa mga pics mo. Pero hindi pa rin maalis sakin na masaktan dahil masaya ka na. Tama ka kailangan ko ng maging masaya dahil ikaw sobrang saya mo na. Hindi pa ako totally over you dahil hanggang ngayon galit pa rin ako sayo. Kung kaya ko lang kainin lahat ng sakit para mawala na sila lahat gagawin ko pero pano nga ba? Isang taon na ang nakakaraan pero hindi pa din nawawala ang sakit. Minsan pinagdarasal ko na bumalik ka pero pag iniisip ko kung pano natin aayusin ang nakaraan parang mas magandang ganito nalang tayo. Inaamin ko na lagi parin kitang tinitingnan sa mga pics mo kahit kasama mo mo xa aus lang. Minsan pinagdarasal ko na bumalik ka, minsan iniimagine ko na magkakabalikan tayo at madalas pinapanalangin ko na sana makalimutan na kita…. Sana matapos na to, isang taon na eh… matagal tagal na rin…

Days ago i was about to forget everything about him i could say that i am ready to let him go, though i still love him i have to end my missery. I have been looking his wall and pics since the time we broke up and there’s this girl who comment almost on every recent pics he has and even ask him to hang out with him. Knowing him well i am sure he wants to go and hang along with them. He always wants to go and have some fun. So i thought he probably like thus girl brcause he always makes reply on every comment she wrote. I even saw his posts to this girl saying gudnight to her. The girl also send posts to him saying sweet things and telling him to pick her up during a storm because she cant go home. I was certain that theres something going on between them so i rest my case. I told myself that i have to stop holding on because he is living his happy life. Days had past and our common friends already knew about my homecoming when i received a message from him asking how have i been and when will i go home. I was hesutant ti reply but i really cant help it to talk to him, i replied that im ok and sent my flight sched to him. He replied after two days and said that he’s planning to gi home too because he wants to work on his school problems in pi and he said that he was so stressed out there because of financial matters. We talked and he started ti become sweet again and said tgat he is going to see me because he misses me. So the letting go part for me had been dismissed because i still live him and honestly i look forward on seeing him. A devastating news also struck them when his lola died so its an added stress on him. I want ti comfort him but i am a thousand miles away from him. After that days passed again and i havent heard fron him. I wonder what is he upto.

I emailed him again. I said i wouldnt do it anymore, im starting to get used to it. But when i saw his post about his happiness and him wishing that i should learn to be happy. I felt sad, because i he’s not affected at all about our break up and he thinks that i am so miserable on losing him. Yes i am! But i know in time i’ll get used to it. Im going to learn how to forget you. Everytime i think of you having another girl it kills me because i wasnt able to give everything you need. But that’s life, i have to admit that you’re gone, i hope someday you’ll forgive everything i said. In time you’ll see a perfect person for you, though i wish i was that person. Sana mahantay m pa ako, konting panahon pa…

A day before his bday he texted me. He was asking how I was, I
immediately asked what he’s problem. I know upfront that he has a
one because the only time he’s gonna talk to me is only when he
have a problem. So my hint was correct. He said that he has problems
with school I felt guilty again and there something in me that wants
to help him.
I was in Lucena that time, he was txting me that he needed me when I
said that I can’t help him. he said that he wanted to end his life.
Ofcourse I don’t want that to happen, eventhough I am currently on a
relationship I realized that I still love him. We went home
to Manila the day after that and I went immediately to him as soon as
we get to Manila.

He was all over me. He told me he missed me. The kiss, the hugs, gosh!
it made my knees weak as if I wanted to hug him very tight and hope of
not letting go but I am still attached. There I started to get
confused… Whom will I choose? Jojo said pick the one I love and he
even asked me if I am happy with Marlon, I said how will I
differentiate that? He asked me if I ever felt happy with our past
relationship, ofcourse I said i did. Then he said base it from that. Marlon said do u ever realized
how hurt you are when he left you? I was so devastated that time and I
go to church everyday asking God to take away the pain.
The first time I saw jojo I wanted to burst into tears I want to hurt
him physically for hurting me but he looks so sweet and I cant
even bare to look at him. He know where to touch me just to let me say yes.
And I did said yes.

Marlon and I share a place, Everytime were together he always ask
about the Dianne that he used to know. I wasn’t the girl he loved before.
What hurts me more is seeing him hurting

In time i will heal, in time i will realize how lucky i am to have a life like this. In time i’ll forget about you. In time i wouldnt be affected anymore. In time i will not love you as i love you now. In time i wont be missing you as bad as today. In time you will heal too, i know you were hurt too but we know this things shall pass. I just wish i could rush the time coz its so painful and missing you kills me day by day. I dont wanna see you again because seeing you would bring back the feelings i have for you. Lord please heal our hearts…

When i think of him having a new gf makes me feel angry. I hate to think about it because we no longer together. Sometimes i want us to be friends so that i could still talk to him and get updated about his life but it would really be hard for me to move on. I am still ravaging with anger to my ex friend tetang! I know there is something between them, i could sense there is simething going on. If i could kill her with my bare hands i would!!! She’s a bitch!

About an hour ago while i was surfin the net and after i talked to my mom i decided to look again on his wall on fb as i always do. Trying to see what he’s up to. As i look upon his wall i cant help but burst into tears. He posted the song from youtube “thank you for your love” by dimsum. I was confused and crying at the same time. I remember hiw i used to sing this to him over and over again, bu then i thought maybe he dedicate this song to someone else. So i had mixed emotions but still crying on our memories and the thought of him loving someone else as well. It’s like hitting twobirds with one stone. I hope he could remember that this song is for him and how i feel for him. Maybe he was thinking of me, how i wish. I am so lost bhe without you. I want to hold and see you but there are walls between us. I hope someday we could both climb these walls and hold each other again. I love you. The mere fact of seeing you again makes me cry, i miss you so much bhebhe….. I miss you every second of my life…

I miss you terribly! How i wish i could hold u and be with you!